The world can be a cruel and dangerous place, especially for those of the fairer sex. Raging hormones, mastering the art of contouring, tracking down a suitor before your expiration point… It’s a wonder we can make it out the door in the morning, let alone any further. And, whilst some women have indeed ventured beyond the front gate, this certainly isn’t advisable.

 

Yes, travel can be a wonderful and fulfilling pursuit, but it’s simply not an activity a lady should be undertaking without a competent chaperone. So before you think about jetting off unaccompanied, take heed fair maidens, of the troubles that abound.

 

  1. Research

In order to plan your trip, you’re going to need to do some research about where you’re going, how to get there, what to see, local customs etc. Not only is this level of understanding probably outside your realm of capability, it’s also deeply unattractive. Nobody likes a woman who reads. Approved areas of learning for women include knitting, playing the harp or perfecting your tennis forearm. But avoid anything that helps you gain a deeper understanding of the world around you, or could inform your opinions about said world.

 

  1. Packing

When you have to carry your own case, there’s usually no room for decorative scatter cushions, scented candles or a comprehensive hair care regimen. How can a woman possibly hope to have a fulfilling life experience without decorative scatter cushions? You’ll inevitably learn how to get by without material possessions, realizing what’s truly important to you. Warning: this may mean you never again take an interest in arranging ornaments.

 

  1. Navigation

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman devoid of Google maps must be completely lost. Paper maps won’t even point out your current location. To be a truly intrepid explorer, one must learn the art of navigation – a waste of brain space that could be better utilized learning how to perfectly fold towels.

 

  1. Technology

Apparently there are no chargers in the jungle. If you can’t Snapchat your sunrise mountain hike, did it even happen? Forgoing technology can sometimes lead to being completely present in the moment; a scary prospect for us all.

 

  1. Finances

Everyone knows us ladies just love to shop and when travelling, souvenirs abound! Without a responsible companion to dish out pocket money, there’s a high risk you’ll blow the food allowance on handbags and shoes. The self-restraint you’ll acquire from learning how to budget may then carry over into your home life, meaning you’ll no longer take any joy in a Louboutin splurge. Imagine that grey, joyless, comfortable life of financial stability.

 

  1. Safety

It goes without saying that when you travel alone you will be completely unsupervised for most, if not all, of your trip. Lord knows what women get up to when unsupervised. Exploring, learning, and meeting new people are all extremely dangerous pastimes for girls both young and old. Without a wiser, more experienced, male chaperone you could be putting yourself at serious risk.

 

  1. Bugs

Just. Gross. You’ll have to get over your fear of creepy crawlies if you’re going to do this alone. Ask yourself; is it really worth it?

 

  1. Periods

As we are all aware, your monthly visitor equates to staying in bed for five full days until the shame has passed and you’re capable of facing the world again. If you’re on a travelling tour you’ll have to actually go outside and take part in activities, perhaps every day. This alone should be a complete deal breaker. Plus, everyone knows you’ll attract bears.

 

  1. Meeting new people

Differing views and opinions can lead to debate and perhaps even the questioning of your deep-rooted beliefs about the world. If that sounds like a lot of effort, that’s because it is. You should probably just stay home.

 

  1. Experiencing other cultures

This can be done just as easily (and a great deal more safely) via a simple internet search. By fully immersing yourself in other cultures you may expand your horizons beyond your hometown, rendering you bored and restless when you return.

 

  1. Getting ideas and stuff

Nobody likes a woman with ideas above her station. Actually, nobody likes a woman with ideas at all. So if you’re prepared to lose friends and even potential suitors then be my guest; travel the world. But don’t come crying to me when you’ve thinned your social circle to only those who appreciate your passions and dreams.

 

  1. Figuring out what you’re capable of

On more than one occasion you’ll probably find yourself in less than desirable circumstances and have to think on your feet in order to turn it around. When repeated frequently, you’re in danger of testing the limits put upon you by society and gaining a greater level of self confidence. That never ends well.

 

  1. Independence

Once learned it cannot be unlearned, ruining you for future matrimony to anyone but those who have also had meaningful life experiences. This significantly decreases your potential matches, therefore lowering your chance to fulfill your ultimate purpose; procreation.

 

  1. You’ll enjoy it. And you’ll want to go again.
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