It happens to the best of us, right? Or maybe I’m just saying to make myself feel better, because I’m currently having some pretty ugly feelings towards someone. Okay, fine, more than one person. It’s very embarrassing to admit but, as I previously posted, I’m letting fear be my compass and it’s telling me that if this is something I really don’t want to talk about then I probably should.

So, like many of us (PLEASE tell me someone else has felt this way before?), there are people in my life who just aren’t ever going to be my best friends. In fact, I actively dislike HATE them. Might as well admit it, it’s better to be honest, right? I know these are not pleasant or attractive qualities, but they are the qualities that exist within me so I need to accept that before I can deal with it and move on.

When I see these people doing well or achieving great things, I just can’t bring myself to be happy for them. They’re bad people, they don’t deserve it! Why don’t those good things happen to me? I’m much nicer than them. The rational person in me knows it doesn’t work like that but I can’t seem to get over this sense of injustice.

However, these feelings are most certainly not welcome ones and so I have begun my quest to get rid of them. After doing some research, I have concluded that the first step is fully acknowledging them and trying to understand where they are coming from. It’s a lot easier said than done, because really accepting these feelings is just not nice.

I’ve also found that it’s not helpful to think:

“Well they might have an amazing house, but I bet they have a load of credit card debt.”

or

“Sure they had a beautiful wedding, but they probably aren’t really in love.”

The word ‘but’ is never helpful when accepting emotions, just as ‘at least’ is never helpful when trying to empathize.

 

empathy brene brown

That’s not dealing with the issue, thats trying to ignore my own ugly feelings. For all I know, they DONT have credit card debt and they ARE madly, deeply in love. (FYI these are entirely made up examples – for anyone I might know that recently bought a house or got married, this isn’t directed at you. Probably.)

So I took some time to fully allow myself to FEEL these feelings and try and understand exactly what they were from the general cloud of negativity. I guess it all boiled down to simple, ugly, jealousy.

I’m also a firm believer that anything you don’t like in another person is a trait you don’t like in yourself (highlighted in this excellent post). Don’t believe me? Try it, you’d be surprised.

I hate ‘Stephanie’ because she always goes on and on about how successful she is at work. But the reason I really hate ‘Stephanie’ (again – made up person and scenario) is because sometimes I would like to shout about my own career achievements, yet I hold myself back because I know it’s too self-centered or inappropriate for the situation. Again, I’m jealous of Stephanie doing the thing that I feel I cannot. It doesn’t mean that Stephanie is correct in what she is doing, but it is the cause for my feelings of disdain.

So there we go. Recognized and understood. I’m cured, right?

Sadly, as it turns out, this is not the case.

pain demands to be felt john green

You cant just wish feelings away, just as you cant wish them into existence. So here are some steps I’m taking to try and deal with these unwelcome visitors.

 

  • GET OFF FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM. Like RIGHT NOW.

sunscreen beauty advice ugly mary schmich wisdom baz luhrman

I’m sure I don’t need to explain that people only put the best elements of their life on social media and numerous studies show that exposure to these platforms leads to feelings of inadequacy and depression.

  • Don’t expect an A for effort.

I read a blog recently that examined our feelings of being ‘deserving’. That sometimes when you have put more work into something, you feel that you ‘deserve’ the rewards above anyone else. But the real world doesn’t give out prizes for effort. Instead, I’m trying to see this as a wake up call to ‘work smarter’ or take a step back and change my approach.

grass greener water neil barringham

  • Take baby steps.

I’m going to be starting with shouting about someone else’s success, especially people who I dislike. Even if I don’t genuinely feel happy for them, I’m going to be faking it until I make it. And no cheating – I find it very easy to shout about the successes of people I genuinely like. So if you know me and I celebrate your successes in the coming days, maybe it’s time to take a long, hard look at yourself. KIDDING!

  • Get some inspiration

Finally, I am constantly amazed by the truly lovely people around me who react in such a classier way when it comes to people who grind their gears. They forgive a lot faster, let things go a lot easier and never hold grudges. I’m sure everyone has those friends whose qualities they admire, so I’m going to channel those people, imagine how they would respond and then try it for myself.

 

Wish me luck. Or don’t. But I’ll be wishing you some either way 😉

 

Do you have any other tips for getting over jealousy? Or are you also struggling with something similar? Let me know below – we have a zero judgement policy!

Mixing Media

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “How to be happy for people you hate.

  1. Here’s something to try: Never say the word HATE about anyone. Don’t even think it. Only tag that word to a thing or food (like I hate liver). It’s an extremely negative word and you want to be positive, right? And think about what good that does. Hate only makes you angry and negative.

    When it comes to people I’m not fond of, I try to find some sort of explanation for their behavior or find empathy. The woman who constantly brags about the great job she does or the person who brags about everything is usually someone with low self-esteem. It’s a way for them to pump themselves up. I never consider their bragging as an affront to me personally. I also wonder what their life is like. I don’t wish awful on them, I only consider that people who are angry or hateful or behave badly usually have something negative going on in their lives.

    If you are simply jealous of people because they have more than you, it is something that you will have to find peace with on your own. Maybe look at your own life, your relationships and possessions and find the blessings in those things.

    Like

    1. It’s an interesting exercise but I’ve found sometimes I need to be completely honest with myself before I can work through those feelings. Pretending I don’t feel hate just isn’t helpful, so I acknowledge it and then let it go. It’s never something I want to hold on to, but it’s not something I can chose not to feel, just as you can’t chose not to feel sadness or loneliness etc.
      But I think looking for an explanation can also be really helpful, to try and understand the other person’s perspective & perhaps see why they are acting this way. I’ll add that to my list of things I’m trying. Even just writing this post to help examine my feelings has already helped a lot!

      Like

      1. I understand what you are saying about not pretending you hate, but to acknowledge and let it go. If that is what works for you, there’s no sense in changing that. Glad that sharing your feelings in this post helped. I’ve found writing to be very cathartic in many ways.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I really appreciate what you have to share and how you shared it…how brave, how wonderful…how refreshing…I, too, struggle with the less than charitable thoughts and feelings that come my way. Ever the eternal optimist, I find I hold myself to a higher standard…but, I am coming to terms with the fact that it’s easy to see the best in everyone–that is, until you see a flaw that hits you the wrong way…and, then, the temptation to withhold kind thoughts and/or actions is strong. So, as are you, I am working on letting go of the bitter, jealous, offended thoughts and emotions; for, they will only serve to perpetuate the disconnection that moves us further and further from our best selves–and the best in others…we are all flawed, and we are all trying to be happy…we are all human…thank you for sharing…just awesome… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad it was helpful. Even just writing it now has helped me to move past those feelings, but as you say, we are all flawed so I’m sure they’ll crop up again at some point. When that happens, I’ll just come back to the drawing board and try again! Thanks so much for your kind comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This was such an insightful read. Especially becuse I am going through similar feelings at this point in time which is watering a lot of insecurities in me. I hope we both find our Zen!
    Much love,
    Zee 💞

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s