It happens to the best of us, right? Or maybe I’m just saying to make myself feel better, because I’m currently having some pretty ugly feelings towards someone. Okay, fine, more than one person. It’s very embarrassing to admit but, as I previously posted, I’m letting fear be my compass and it’s telling me that if this is something I really don’t want to talk about then I probably should.
So, like many of us (PLEASE tell me someone else has felt this way before?), there are people in my life who just aren’t ever going to be my best friends. In fact, I
actively dislike HATE them. Might as well admit it, it’s better to be honest, right? I know these are not pleasant or attractive qualities, but they are the qualities that exist within me so I need to accept that before I can deal with it and move on.
When I see these people doing well or achieving great things, I just can’t bring myself to be happy for them. They’re bad people, they don’t deserve it! Why don’t those good things happen to me? I’m much nicer than them. The rational person in me knows it doesn’t work like that but I can’t seem to get over this sense of injustice.
However, these feelings are most certainly not welcome ones and so I have begun my quest to get rid of them. After doing some research, I have concluded that the first step is fully acknowledging them and trying to understand where they are coming from. It’s a lot easier said than done, because really accepting these feelings is just not nice.
I’ve also found that it’s not helpful to think:
“Well they might have an amazing house, but I bet they have a load of credit card debt.”
“Sure they had a beautiful wedding, but they probably aren’t really in love.”
The word ‘but’ is never helpful when accepting emotions, just as ‘at least’ is never helpful when trying to empathize.
That’s not dealing with the issue, thats trying to ignore my own ugly feelings. For all I know, they DONT have credit card debt and they ARE madly, deeply in love. (FYI these are entirely made up examples – for anyone I might know that recently bought a house or got married, this isn’t directed at you. Probably.)
So I took some time to fully allow myself to FEEL these feelings and try and understand exactly what they were from the general cloud of negativity. I guess it all boiled down to simple, ugly, jealousy.
I’m also a firm believer that anything you don’t like in another person is a trait you don’t like in yourself (highlighted in this excellent post). Don’t believe me? Try it, you’d be surprised.
I hate ‘Stephanie’ because she always goes on and on about how successful she is at work. But the reason I really hate ‘Stephanie’ (again – made up person and scenario) is because sometimes I would like to shout about my own career achievements, yet I hold myself back because I know it’s too self-centered or inappropriate for the situation. Again, I’m jealous of Stephanie doing the thing that I feel I cannot. It doesn’t mean that Stephanie is correct in what she is doing, but it is the cause for my feelings of disdain.
So there we go. Recognized and understood. I’m cured, right?
Sadly, as it turns out, this is not the case.
You cant just wish feelings away, just as you cant wish them into existence. So here are some steps I’m taking to try and deal with these unwelcome visitors.
GET OFF FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM. Like RIGHT NOW.
I’m sure I don’t need to explain that people only put the best elements of their life on social media and numerous studies show that exposure to these platforms leads to feelings of inadequacy and depression.
Don’t expect an A for effort.
I read a blog recently that examined our feelings of being ‘deserving’. That sometimes when you have put more work into something, you feel that you ‘deserve’ the rewards above anyone else. But the real world doesn’t give out prizes for effort. Instead, I’m trying to see this as a wake up call to ‘work smarter’ or take a step back and change my approach.
Take baby steps.
I’m going to be starting with shouting about someone else’s success, especially people who I dislike. Even if I don’t genuinely feel happy for them, I’m going to be faking it until I make it. And no cheating – I find it very easy to shout about the successes of people I genuinely like. So if you know me and I celebrate your successes in the coming days, maybe it’s time to take a long, hard look at yourself. KIDDING!
Get some inspiration
Finally, I am constantly amazed by the truly lovely people around me who react in such a classier way when it comes to people who grind their gears. They forgive a lot faster, let things go a lot easier and never hold grudges. I’m sure everyone has those friends whose qualities they admire, so I’m going to channel those people, imagine how they would respond and then try it for myself.
Wish me luck. Or don’t. But I’ll be wishing you some either way 😉
Do you have any other tips for getting over jealousy? Or are you also struggling with something similar? Let me know below – we have a zero judgement policy!